The last decade of my life has been about survival. I was focused on figuring out how to get out of my toxic family and violent neighborhood. My health suffered. Every day felt like hopelessness. Now I have more peace, space, health and time for my people, but I still don’t feel at home and I wonder if I ever will. I haven’t done anything great in my life. I’ve never traveled, I don’t have a car or a house. I couldn’t afford to go to college. I have no friends and my sex life is non-existent. I read, but I’m not a “serious” reader. I listen to music, but I don’t know anything about it. I have no discipline. I’m not good at anything. I see former classmates who were never the brightest, but seem content with their simple lives. Some of them have a small business, they have children, but they have no ambition. I find myself thinking back to when I was little, the two years I lived with my grandmother. I’ve never been happier than that. I felt safe and loved, and every day was an adventure. I want to feel more alive. That my life has meaning. I don’t like being 33 with nothing to show for it. Philippa’s answer To me, 33 sounds very young, leaving you with a lot of time, but I know when you enter your 30s it can feel like you’re leaving the youth behind. Or maybe we can get excited about turning 33, because apparently that was the age Jesus died. It’s okay, you’re in a wilderness and some things take time. You’ve been used to high levels of internal stress for most of your childhood. When the source of stress stops, it can create restlessness, boredom, and a sense of meaninglessness. What you are going through is to be expected and is normal. When you use all your energy to survive, then escape, and suddenly you don’t have to do that, no wonder you’re faced with a void. I wonder what your lack of satisfaction is telling you to do Perhaps you would be in a similar position to your old school friends – content with a bit of work and living to pass on the love they experienced as children – if grandma’s love was the only kind of care you ever had. Your childhood has given you different things. Lack of approval can give you a desire to prove yourself, a longing to show those who never believed in you that you can achieve things. Make sure you don’t stress yourself out thinking you need to shine brighter to prove them wrong. Do everything you do in life in relation to your own desires and dreams rather than in relation to those people you are trying to leave behind. Don’t bother proving anything to them. Instead of thinking of your dissatisfaction as bad, think of it as information. I wonder what he tells you to do. Maybe move to a bigger city where you’re more likely to find like-minded people? The panic that you are running out of time is, I think, your old panic – how to survive and escape. You got into the habit of panicking, and now it’s found a new object – your age – to cling to. If you need to stop your thoughts racing and take your awareness away from your busy mind, try noticing your breathing. Five minutes a day, focusing on your breathing can make a positive difference. Be careful of thinking in “all or nothing” statements such as “there’s nothing to show for it.” You have things to show in your life – for example, you can write perfect English. If you say something is totally brilliant or not totally good, you probably aren’t seeing it realistically. Neither think of yourself as a one nor as a 10 – it will distort your mindset. We pick up belief systems from the people we were around growing up. If you were treated as if you were worthless or only good if you were like them, this way of thinking will have become familiar. What feels familiar is real. But it’s not true, you’re just used to it. This is the basis for your self-criticism – this inner critic – and you need to separate. You can learn to watch it instead of thinking it’s right. It is not right, it is known. There is a difference. Notice when you describe yourself negatively, e.g. “I’m not a serious reader” (you don’t have to be – just read). Distance yourself from such self-critical thoughts. They are not real, they are a habit, they will bring you down. You need time to recover. You have time. Allow yourself to feel, think and just be. When you are ready you can dare to take a step on a path that will lead you to an adventure. Life is not a race. Take as much time as you need. If you have a question, send a short email to [email protected]
