Amy Dickinson • Special to Postmedia Network A therapist doesn’t know what to do about her husband’s drinking. Photo by File Photo /Getty Images
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Dear Amy: My wife and I have been together for 17 years. While we have, overall, a very positive marriage, her drinking has become a very big concern and has caused several rifts between us at times.

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As a therapist who has worked with drug addicts over the years, I think I’m very hesitant to wear the “therapist hat” outside of work hours, but her drinking is clearly problematic. From our newsroom to your midday inbox, the latest headlines, stories, opinions and photos from the Toronto Sun. By clicking the subscribe button you consent to receive the above newsletter from Postmedia Network Inc. You can unsubscribe at any time by clicking the unsubscribe link at the bottom of our emails. Postmedia Network Inc. | 365 Bloor Street East, Toronto, Ontario, M4W 3L4 | 416-383-2300

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Almost every time she goes out with friends (or even has a day off during the warmer months), she comes home so drunk she can barely function. We like to go to different kinds of local festivals and such, but even that has become difficult because we always end up leaving early after he drinks too much. It’s embarrassing to pick up my wife from the bathroom floor every weekend. It’s embarrassing trying to have a night out with friends that will inevitably be cut short because she’s drunk. I have tried too many times to talk about it. Lately, when I go out, I want to keep things like going to the movies where there is no alcohol, but he doesn’t care anymore if there is no booze.

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I don’t even know how to approach it anymore, and it’s pushed me to start thinking about divorce. Any advice or help is greatly appreciated. – Sad and sober Dear Sober: As an experienced therapist, you should understand that you are powerless to control your wife’s drinking. And now, you have to stop protecting her from the consequences of her drinking. You have to be brave enough to let things happen. The next time she lands on the bathroom floor, once you’ve determined she’s physically safe, just put a blanket over her so that when she wakes up, she’s faced with the reality of where she spent the night. Don’t embarrass her. Don’t “shrink” her. Don’t gloss over the impact of her behavior when she’s drunk, don’t cover for her with friends, family or at work. Stop yourself from planning ways to stop her from drinking.

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Love her tenderly, let go of your desire to control her drinking or its consequences, and recognize that alcoholism is a family disease and so you need to treat yourself with some care. If you see that her drinking is having too much of a negative impact on your life, then yes – maybe tell her you’re considering a breakup. Illuminate your own choice: “I don’t want to live like this. Your drinking has overtaken our great relationship. I’m overwhelmed and so I’ll have to love you from a distance until something changes.” This is not you “healer”. This is when you recognize your own weakness in the face of your partner’s addiction and try to take decent care of yourself. And – it must be said – go to an Al-anon meeting (Al-anon.org). This could be a game changer for you.

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Dear Amy: I have never written to you before, but I felt compelled to answer your letter of “Concern” who was concerned about her elderly mother-in-law sending money to charities that sent her appeals. When my mother was in her later years and on a low fixed income, she got these pleas all the time and I never paid much attention until one day she mentioned that she just didn’t have enough money to “pay” for it all. He interpreted them as bills and felt they needed to be paid. Advise people experiencing this with seniors to be very careful about sending money. Feeling charitable is one thing, but feeling compelled to pay a “bill” is quite another. And some of those invitations look like bills, don’t they?

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– Interested Dear Stakeholders: Yes – some of these charity appeals look like bills! Thank you for shedding light on this matter. I hope your mother’s comment helps other families make sure their elders are giving for the right reason. Dear Amy: Regarding the ongoing debate about the presence of in-laws and other family members at the birth of a child, I arrived at the hospital 20 minutes after the birth of my second grandson. My sister-in-law informed me that I missed the big event. Without missing a beat, I said, “Well, I also missed the catch…!” – Margaret, Long Beach, California Dear Margaret: This topic has sparked a lively debate. So far, your answer is my favorite.

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